Brightline team
Sep 12, 2024
The unfortunate truth is that most school-aged kids in the US will be taught about school violence from a young age. They might be facing active shooter drills, threats from classmates, or news of shootings across the country. And let’s be real, many communities have had the task of talking about gun violence with their kids for generations.
Whether or not it feels new to you, it rarely feels easy. Knowing how to talk about this with your kids will become crucial throughout their school experience — and it won’t just come up once.
Mass shooting tragedies are overwhelming to process. Kids and caregivers might experience intense feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, and powerlessness at their continued occurrence. We want to help families to feel safe dropping kids at school, going to the store, attending concerts and festivals, or gathering with their community in any way.
We put together a few tips for starting conversations about gun violence and to help your family feel supported when safe places feel scary.
Before you begin
“We know caregivers already experience high levels of stress and emotional burden caring for their children. Public health epidemics of violence, especially in places we hope to trust with our children’s safety, compound that emotional strain,” says Kendra Read, PhD, Vice President of Therapy at Brightline.
Basically, make sure you care for yourself first. You can’t pull from an empty well, so find ways to fill your cup.
Take time to rest, eat, and care for your own needs. Read our article on Self-care for Caregivers. And try a few relaxation techniques like:
Squeezing and relaxing your muscles, slowly making your way around your body
Guided imagery
Slow deep breaths or box breathing
It may also help to practice what you’ll say to your kids before diving in.
Talking with kids under 9
No age is too young to discuss school shootings, but you’ll want to make sure you’re using age-appropriate language and strategies to start the conversation. Here are a few tips:
Ask them what they heard. With younger children, stories might twist and turn. Ask them what they already heard so that you know what they might be thinking about. With kids of all ages, listen for thoughts that they are getting stuck on. Then you can help them think through the situation in a way that makes sense to them based on their level of development.
Too many details can scare or overwhelm a young child. Stick to the facts, and tailor them to your child’s developmental age. For instance, you might tell a 6-year-old: “A man walked into the school and hurt some people.”
Make your message clear. You might say, “Sometimes awful things happen, and you can always talk to me about them.” You can also provide some reassurance about what is in your control so that they know they are supported, like “I will always work to keep you safe” or “Your teachers at school work really hard to make sure that you are as safe as possible.”
All emotions are okay. Check in with what they might be feeling. Acknowledge that people experience all kinds of emotions when they hear news like this and that there isn't any right or wrong way to feel.
End on a safe note. After your talk, choose a relaxing activity to do together, even for a few minutes. Watch a favorite cartoon, play a video game, or read a book together.
Talking with older kids
If your child is 10 or older, the conversation may be more complex. You can:
Find out what they already know. You might ask, “Have you talked with anyone about what happened at that school?” or “What are your friends or teachers saying about it?”
Validate their emotions. Let your child know that there’s no wrong way to feel about what happened. Reassure them that they can ask questions and share their feelings with you at any time.
Help them manage worries. Help your child be a critical consumer of their thoughts by considering what’s true or helpful vs. the unhelpful thoughts their worry is telling them. Question whether they can think about things in a way that is more helpful for them. Additionally, mindful breathing or progressive muscle relaxation can help kids feel more present and calm, especially when worries start to interfere with daily activities or sleep.
Talk about ways to take action. It’s common to feel helpless — or hopeless — when faced with a tragedy like a school shooting. Encourage your kids to think of positive actions they can take in the community, like attending a peaceful protest, raising money for impacted communities, or learning about gun control groups.
Handling tough questions
“Why would anyone do that?” “Is someone going to try to hurt me?” Whether your child is 6 or 16, you’ll likely be asked at least one question that you have no idea how to answer. That’s okay. The honest truth is that sometimes we just don’t know.
What you can do is assure your child that you will do your best to protect them. One way to do that is to help them know how to keep themselves safe. It can be comforting for kids to have a plan in place. Talk through:
Who are people they trust?
Who can they call or where can they go if they need help?
What have they learned about how to stay safe at school?
Along the way, be ready to correct any misinformation your child may hear or see. For instance, you can encourage them to question whether the news they hear is true or not. You can also talk about the different perspectives that people have depending on their own beliefs and experiences.
When to seek more support
Some signs that your child may benefit from talking to a coach or therapist include:
Anxiety separating from you
Worries or sadness interfering with their ability to do school work or be social
Emotional outbursts/tantrums
Changes in appetite (like overeating or poor eating habits)
Sleep issues (like nightmares or trouble falling asleep)
Changes in other behaviors (like bedwetting, not showering)
Withdrawal or isolation
Fascination with or idolizing/praising the violent event
Increasing peer difficulties (difficulty making or keeping friends)
Remember: you’re impacted by this stress as well. Intrusive thoughts about the incidents, a sense of hypervigilance, or feelings of guilt, shame, or pervasive fear are a few signals that getting support could be helpful for you, too.
If you or your child need more support discussing violence in school or in the news, Brightline is here to help. Sign up or sign in for helpful resources and access to coaching and therapy.
