Brightline
Jan 23, 2025
As we’ve learned most recently with the wildfires in Los Angeles, natural disasters impact entire communities, even those who aren't displaced or immediately affected. We are all connected in so many different ways. So, even if you aren’t “directly” affected, you might end up feeling a real impact.
You may know family, friends of friends, or people from work, school, and around the community who have been directly affected by a natural disaster. The losses are visible, visceral, and leave everyone vulnerable.
It’s natural to feel guilt if you have what others once had but have lost. Sadness, grief, shock, or anger are all understandable, too. Be gentle with yourself, empathize and sympathize with others, and find community around you so you can talk through emotions and find ways to heal.
You might be struggling to know what to say or do. We’ve gathered ideas and approaches that can help you be supportive through any tragedy. We hope you’ll read through and find a starting point that works for you. Here’s what you can try:
1. Decide what you need to know: Stay informed on what feels vital. At the same time, try not to overconsume news, images, video, and stories of loss — especially when kids are present. The constant flood of traumatic events can have a distinct psychological effect on kids, whether they’re directly affected by the events or live hundreds of miles away. 2. Just show up: Say simple things like “I’m here for you” or “I support you” and “I’m here to help with anything you need.” By just being there, you can help people feel less alone as they process their situation. You can help them build the bandwidth to manage it all — emotionally, physically, and practically.
Acknowledge what someone is going through (“This is so hard”)
Validate their experience (“It’s no surprise you feel overwhelmed and scared”)
Lend support (“I’m bringing cookies and a bag of necessities by”)
3. Go in knowing it’s not okay: Even with the best perspective, the most support, or a solid gratitude practice, nobody going through trauma or a tragedy is feeling good. Think about how you can check in without asking if they’re “okay.” Some might appreciate the basic check in, others will definitely not.
4. Don’t overthink it: In a moment of traumatic grief, nobody needs you to say the perfect thing or to “get it right” (or even come close). Just showing up and washing dishes helps.
5. Be aware of toxic positivity: Another good intention is to get someone in a difficult situation to “see the bright side.” But when done at the wrong time or in the wrong way, it can feel dismissive or like you aren’t embracing how they feel in the moment. It can also lean into using positivity as an avoidance tactic (ignore the sadness and pretend it’s not so bad). Yes, you want them to feel better. But this isn’t about you right now. Keep the other person and their current state centered in your thoughts. Consider that before saying things like:
“You’re so lucky”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
“At least you got out alive”
“If I were you, I would just [fill in the blank]”
“You shouldn’t be so sad, look at what your neighbor/friend/family is going through”
“I remember when I lost my [fill in the blank]”
6. Talk it through with kids: Consider the age and stage of your kids so what you’re sharing is appropriate. Ask them what they’ve seen or heard about it. And keep the door open to their questions; they may come up immediately or weeks down the road. Listen to what your child might be feeling and talk about their fears, worry, or sadness.
7. Do what you can, knowing it will bring comfort:
Drop off a hot meal or freezer-ready food, a bag of snacks, or some new cozy socks for the family
Wait on hold with the insurance company for them while they change a diaper, make a meal, or return other calls
Swing by to drop coffee and donuts wherever they are (and then leave so there is no pressure to have conversation, get dressed, or stop what they’re doing to host a visit)
Offer to walk the dog or babysit while they pick up supplies, look at rentals, take a hot shower, get some sleep, etc.
8. Bring calm energy to the room: You are upset — everyone is. And shedding tears with a friend who is also clearly distraught makes sense and feels empathetic. But if you show up carrying on about how sad you are about everything, you’re directing attention towards you and your own emotional experience. Worse, you might be putting the other person in a position where they feel they have to make YOU feel better about what THEY’RE going through. Be in a stable place behaviorally so they don’t feel they have to take care of you. If you aren’t there yet emotionally (if you’re unable to manage your own feelings, reactions, etc.), give yourself some time to get there before showing up. Drop off supplies, send a loving text, or swing by with a meal — but don’t offer to stay.
9. Think twice before asking “What can I do/What do you need?" (is it helpful or does it put pressure on someone): Generally, asking someone what they need is a good, friendly gesture. But by nature, questions are a demand on someone. Asking “What can I do?” could put pressure on a stressed person to think clearly, manage expectations, and keep track of who has done what for them. It turns a kind, well-intentioned offer into one more thing taking up brain space.
Regardless of what has been lost, found, or endured, people are 100% allowed to feel whatever they feel — grief, sadness, anger, remorse, guilt, fear, etc. You aren’t there to assign or deflect the pure emotion they are experiencing, you’re there to sit with them in that feeling and affirm that it’s okay for them to feel it.
The friendship and love you can offer is needed. If you only remember one thing, it’s the second point on the list: Just show up (and keep showing up, especially a few weeks down the road when everyone else has left).