Brightline
Jan 24, 2025
Kids may not understand everything about a traumatic or tragic event, but they inherently get it on some level. They may process it differently but they are affected, not only by the event itself, but by the chaos, stress, and uncertainty that they absorb from the adults and the changed environment around them.
That said, uncertainty is everywhere — all the time. We don’t know what will happen next, ever.
It’s sitting with the not knowing, allowing what is, and learning to be okay amongst it that is the learned skill. Here are three ways you can help your child (and yourself) learn that skill:
Avoid providing constant reassurance (“Don’t worry, this will never happen again!”), especially when you don’t actually know what will happen. This rings even more true when your situation is still uncertain (for example, after an earthquake, you can’t promise no aftershocks).
Respond directly to their questions and remember that admitting when you don’t know the answer can be more reassuring than making a blanket promise that turns out to be wrong (“You said the fire wouldn’t come on our street, but it did!”). Share that lots of people don’t know everything and that everyone is doing their best to learn.
Admit that you don’t have all the answers and model that you can still find comfort or coping strategies during uncertain times. This is a more powerful teaching tool than just saying “I’m fine, everything is okay, don’t worry.”
Breaking the cycle of anxious thinking
Repeating “We are fine!” is a static reassurance that perpetuates the cycle of anxiety.
While it might smooth the feeling over in the moment, it’s not actually teaching your child how to cope with uncertainty. Instead, it teaches them to go to you for reassurance as their only coping skill. The goal is for them to build the internal skill that helps them find reassurance and tolerate uncertainty.
Otherwise, they will look to you again and again asking, “Are we okay?” instead of checking in with themselves or the evidence around them to know if they feel okay or if things are okay.
To avoid that constant reassurance seeking, parents have to resist the urge to avoid the fear or discomfort by blindly comforting their kids.
Coping through uncertainty involves asking kids what they think, acknowledging what they feel, and working together to find a way to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
You can guide your child to identify clues in their environment that answer their questions for themselves (“How would you know if we were okay? What would be the signs? And what do you see now?”).
It’s okay to give them information and correct misinformation. Kids often crave information. And finding answers to their questions is helpful. It can help you feel more grounded with what’s happening, too. So don’t shy away from their questions. And get comfortable with admitting you might not have the answers but that you can try to find them together.
How to create healthy rhythms in the midst of chaos
In the midst of a chaotic or traumatic event, healthy rhythms can be impossible to find. (And honestly, the ask might be too big, at least in the short term.) When your usual framework is gone, it’s hard to know what to hold onto.
Above all else, parents and caregivers need to prioritize self-regulation. If they are hanging by a thread, how can they also carry the weight of the emotions and needs of their kids?
There are many ways to get steady and help yourself:
Give yourself grace. Based on your family’s circumstances, decide what need you can meet based on what you have at your disposal right now.
Don’t make unreasonable demands on yourself. If you’re staying at a hotel, in a guest room, or at a shelter because your home isn’t fit to live in anymore, don’t hold yourself to the usual standards. Fluff a pillow if that makes you feel good, but don’t feel like you have to reorganize the room or do other overwhelming tasks.
Simplify everywhere you can. Nobody needs a plant-forward meal right now. Convenience store snacks or whatever is handed out at the community center fills bellies, too. Try just knowing everyone is together and safe.
Lean on others for help. Many parents and caregivers pride themselves on being able to do it all. A few other great learned skills are delegating, accepting help, and relying on others. Now is the time to adopt those skills and release any pressure (from yourself or others) to fix everything and live like you used to.
One thing at a time. Maybe the “healthy rhythm” you focus on is how you will connect with each other throughout the day. Perhaps the rhythm today is finding breakfast together. Or getting everyone showered and in clean pajamas before bed.
Depending on your situation, maybe your new rhythm is having no rhythm at all. Allow yourself to do whatever helps everyone settle down a bit more. Do what you can. Do what feels right for your family, leaving comparisons and expectations behind.