Brightline team
Sep 5, 2024
Every year, there are lots of kids who are excited to go back to school. Others would give up dessert for a month if it meant they could just stay home. For some, learning or making friends don’t come easy, so school isn’t a fun experience.
And, yes, no matter how old your child is or how they feel about school in general, we know there are real and valid fears around safety on campus.
Summer can put busy brains at ease. And home might feel more familiar, safe, and comfortable than school. The thought of being away from loved ones and in a classroom all day while balancing new assignments, classes, and teachers can be overwhelming.
For most — as new routines, places, and faces become comfortable — the resistance goes away.
But what do you do if it doesn’t get easier? What if your child flat out refuses to go to school? What if tragedy strikes and your child suddenly feels like school is the last place they want to be?
We know it takes courage to keep going after a scary event. We also know that moving past it — safely and with precautions, support, and emotional tools in place — is the way through.
First, ensure your child is safe
If your child is really resisting, start by ruling out any external problems that might be causing the issue. Are they being bullied or threatened on campus? Is there a problem with their teacher or anyone else in the class? Is there a clear and identifiable threat to your child’s safety at school?
If any of these scenarios are true for your child, then your first step is to address them. Avoiding situations where they aren’t safe or where they’re mistreated is expected and calls for support for safety first. Start problem-solving with the teacher, counselor, or principal and go from there.
Get curious about the cause
If you’ve ruled out (or already addressed) any safety concerns, your next step is to get curious. Put your investigator’s cap on. Encourage your child to speak honestly and ask questions that avoid short “yes” and “no” answers.
Try to narrow down the reasons why they’re avoiding school using the below angles. If they can talk about how they feel, you can get closer to why they’re feeling that way.
1. Are they experiencing anxious thoughts or feelings of fear? Try saying things like,
“Some kids might be worried about being around new people.”
“I can see you’re nervous about being on campus. Not knowing what to expect can be part of it. Let’s talk about what you think might happen at lunchtime.”
“You mentioned feeling some stomach aches on school days. It's pretty common when people feel worried about something to also feel a stomach ache. Have you noticed these feelings happening together for you?”
2. Are they overtired* or fighting a cold? You can offer to help them problem solve: “I hear you saying you feel too tired. Let’s try going to bed earlier this week and see if that makes a difference.”
*If your child is experiencing chronic pain or fatigue beyond what might come along with worry or sadness, it’s important to check in with your pediatrician.
3. Are you accidentally making being at home instead of at school really appealing (ie, taking them out to lunch, offering extra screen time, allowing pajamas all day, etc.)? It’s natural to want to comfort your child when they are upset. But these well-meaning gestures can give your child more reasons to want to stay home. To make it feel less like a “free” day, give them books or homework instead of screens during school hours. Have them get up and dressed at the same time they would if they were going to school. And keep the bedtime routine the same.
No matter what the behavior is, the more your child does it, the better they get at it. That works both ways — whether your child is consistently going to school or consistently staying home.
Once you’ve narrowed down whether there is an external cause or if it’s an internal feeling that is creating the avoidance, it’s time to make a plan. Let’s break it down into three parts: Practice makes progress, Doing the hard thing, and Finding a sustainable pace.
STEP 1: Practice makes progress
The key to this one is practicing the behavior before the thoughts and emotional pattern changes. You can’t wait for your child to not be anxious before they go to school. They have to learn how to balance having the feeling while also taking steps forward.
(Yes, this is hard for you both. Keep reading.)
When your child takes steps forward, it’s likely they aren’t doing it because they feel better about going to school. They’re doing it despite their feelings of anxiety about it.
Moving into action even while they feel anxious or nervous is what eventually helps your child smooth their path forward. It builds trust in themselves that they can withstand uncomfortable feelings and work through them (a lifelong skill!).
What you need to know is that those anxious thoughts affect your child’s ability to regulate. That means that when emotions run high, everything else does too. So when your child isn’t able to stop those thoughts from spinning, it can snowball — solving problems seems impossible, it feels like everything (not just one thing) is going wrong, etc.
You can help your child in a couple of simple ways:
Help them step outside of their thoughts and see whether they’re truth or myth. Ask some questions that allow them to realize that maybe their thoughts are telling them things that aren’t true. Let’s say they’re in a fight with their best friend, but they’re saying they can’t go to school because “everyone” hates them. You can question, “Does everyone hate you or is it a problem with one person?” Talk through what your child knows for sure about the other kids — has anyone said or done anything to prove their thought right? Is bringing everyone else into the mix here helping or making your child feel worse? Is it true or is an anxious thought making this one thing snowball into something bigger? Try to ask questions that lead them to helpful conclusions — and try not to answer the questions for them!
Come back to reality by problem solving. Work with your child to brainstorm a list of things they can do to make their current situation better. Put every idea on the list — from hiding under the bed until summer to bringing Spiderman with them to class. Then work your way from the edges to a middle ground that feels reasonable. Cross off the impossible things (dinosaurs aren’t allowed at school) and rank what’s left. Help your child decide what they can try first — maybe they’ll say hi to a new seatmate in class or find a familiar child from your neighborhood to sit with at lunch.
STEP 2: Face the hard thing and reward brave steps
When your child avoids doing the hard thing, your job is to do three things consistently.
Validate their emotions: Show your child you see and hear them. You aren’t sweeping how they feel under the rug or telling them they shouldn’t feel the way they do. Say things like “I know this is hard for you” or “I see you’re really upset” or “I understand you’re scared right now”.
Express confidence in their ability to try: You aren’t making promises about how the day will go (because you can’t predict it). But you can believe in their ability to give it their best effort. You can follow your validation with something like “I have seen you do hard things and know you can try to do this, too” or “I believe in you. Let’s plan some small steps together for you to try.”
Reward positive steps forward: Both the steps forward and the rewards are going to be age-appropriate. Find what motivates your child! And remember — as your child builds up those little wins, you can change the rewards (or when/how they’re earned). There will come a time where they fade out altogether once your child no longer has a need for them. Here are a few examples of where you can start:
Maybe your kindergartener made it to class three times this week and the reward is reading one more book together before bed on those nights.
Your elementary schooler made it to class! Grab a pal and some frozen yogurt after school or plan a favorite meal for dinner this week.
Your high school age child made it out the door on time and earned gas money, screen time, or a night off of chores.
STEP 3: Find a pace that can be sustained
Creating achievable goals is only one part of the puzzle. How your child gets to those goals is just as important.
Sometimes, it can feel like a bit of a roller coaster if you don’t help your child pace themselves. They may want to rush to the goal/reward or try to do too much too soon. Then, they run the risk of getting drained and giving up.
Behavioral pacing helps avoid extremes (and going “from boom to bust”). Try to create bite-sized goals and planned breaks to help them recover from their effort.
You will want to pace yourself, too. If the only measure of success is 100% effort 100% of the time with no backsliding, everyone will end up disappointed. You’re both going to have good days and hard ones.
Think about baby steps and gradual progress. As an example, for an elementary school-aged child who is experiencing severe avoidance (aka not going to school at all), here’s what those small positive steps might look like:
Driving them to school and sitting in the parking lot reading for 30 minutes (and eventually building up to one hour)
Walking onto campus
Doing schoolwork in the office
Meeting the teacher
Finally, check in (then check in again…and again)
Each day and throughout the year, after your child has done the hard thing, check in.
Ask open-ended questions like “How did it go?” and “How did it feel to be in class/sit with a new friend/see that teacher again?” You might hear one of two things — it was actually okay or it was as terrible as they thought it would be.
If it went okay, that’s a big lesson learned. Through the experience, your child is beginning to understand that what they expect isn’t always what will happen. They proved their anxious thoughts wrong. Instead of holding onto “I can’t” or “I won’t” they learned that “I can and I will and I did…and I’m okay”.
If it didn’t go well, that’s also a big lesson learned — they tried and made it through a rough patch! This is also a valuable life experience. Even when kids have to face hard things (like a tough teacher, a hurt friend, or a negative consequence), they can do it and survive.
Lessons like this aren’t about toxic positivity — some stuff is really not fun and it’s okay to say that. But facing the hard thing, feeling the emotions, and learning from it all builds resilience. It reinforces to your child that your faith in their ability to try is warranted. And as important, it shows them a new truth about themselves — they are stronger than their anxious thoughts tell them they are.
Challenges are part of life. When your child is allowed to avoid them, it doesn’t make them go away. It only pulls your child out of the situation.
Learning how to face disappointment, fear, and doubt isn’t easy. But have faith in your child. Be there to support them. With your help, they can (and they will) find their way.
Navigating these feelings and situations is what helps your child grow up strong and capable. They can do it — and so can you.
If you or your child need more support facing school avoidance or processing other difficult emotions, Brightline is here to help. Sign up or sign in for helpful resources and access to coaching and therapy.
