Brightline team
Jul 12, 2024
July is National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. At Brightline, our pediatric clinicians are trained to deliver inclusive, culturally-competent care through our programs, coaching, and therapy. We acknowledge the unique challenges that BIPOC kids and families face, and have written a blog in a helpful Q&A format to address a handful of them. In it, we use specific examples that illustrate how families can support the mental health needs of BIPOC kids both at home and in the community. For more help, answers to your own questions, or guidance, please connect with Brightline.
Q: How do we teach our child about the direct effect racism will have on them and our family without making them feel sad, scared, or anxious?
A: As you talk honestly about racism with your child, talk just as openly about the feelings they may experience. Empower your child to speak up about their fears — and share yours as well (on an age-appropriate basis). The key isn’t to protect them from feelings. The key is to be honest about what they may experience and ensure they know that 1) you understand, and that 2) they are safe with you.
Name feelings and talk about how they might express in their body so they can recognize a physical feeling and attach it to an emotion. Familiarity and knowing what to expect can help reduce anxiety around the experience. For example, a feeling of being scared might show up physically as shaking, sweating, or crying. Being angry or embarrassed might make your child’s face feel hot or build up energy in their body.
Using an image of a wave to describe feelings can help your child visualize that emotions can swell up, get big, and then smooth out. Knowing there are always calm feelings to come can help your child endure the peaks. And when their feelings are too big to handle by themselves, remind them they should always ask for help.
Q: What do I do when the acts of racism my child experiences starts at home?
A: Adverse childhood experiences (ACE) like racial trauma are real and can negatively impact a child’s confidence, self-esteem, academics, and ability to focus. It’s vital that anti-racist behaviors are being modeled at home. That calls for parents and caregivers to be aware of what is said, how people are treated, and who is allowed to influence your family with their words (like politicians, influencers, religious figures, celebrities, etc.). If you become aware of racist behaviors at home, it’s important that you address it as soon as possible.
Kids need someone that they can talk to who believes them, so that any rising anger or sadness they feel is addressed. Without that outlet, a couple of things are likely to happen.
That emotional trauma can cause the child to grow up with unresolved issues that play out in relationships, at home and work, and in their physical bodies (manifesting as illness, disease, high blood pressure, etc.).
When the root cause of the trauma isn’t understood or addressed, the symptoms of it (anger/fighting, withdrawal, an inability to focus, etc.) can present as another kind of mental or behavioral health issue (like ADHD or ODD [Oppositional Defiant Disorder]) which can lead to misdiagnosis and ineffective or unnecessary treatment.
To add to the complexity, in many homes, environments, and cultures, safe spaces can be hard to find because of safety issues, a lack of acknowledgement, or denial that any acts of racism are happening (especially if it’s microaggression).
But your child needs those safe spaces. Make sure your child knows they can come to you or another adult they trust no matter who or what it’s about. If possible, you or another affirming adult in the home can be that vital safe space for your child. If that isn’t an option, you can help them identify another adult they trust (like a close friend, family member, counselor, coach, or therapist) to step in, listen, and guide.
Q: My multiracial child feels like they don't fit in anywhere. How do I help them unapologetically accept who they are?
A: Most kids go through long seasons where all they want is to be accepted by their peers. With some kids, individuality is dimmed as they hope to morph into something that looks like the group they want to be part of. It’s more important to some kids to belong to a collective, than it is to be authentically themselves.
When who or what they are comes into question, or they feel judged or outcast by one group or another because of things they have no control over (like skin color, physical features, or hair texture), it can feel bewildering. They can also feel invalidated, misunderstood, or pressured to convince others of their own born identity. Your child may try to appear more connected to one part of themselves over another in an effort to fit in.
It’s important to reinforce the idea that anyone who tears them down shouldn’t be considered a friend. And friends aren’t always only the people who look like your child. Sharing yourself with someone else in friendship requires a built trust and shared interests. But before those friends are made, it’s about your child building self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence — and knowing they are not defined by their outward appearance.
As a parent, you want your child to proudly embrace all of who they are, regardless of what others say or think. It isn’t always easy to do, but when the conversations start early and/or often, it can help reinforce a steady sense of identity within that they can take with them as they find their place in the world. To help teach them that people’s opinions don’t define them or what they’re able to accomplish, you can try to:
Talk about how some people have things about them that they can change (hair color, a cast on a broken arm, braces for misaligned teeth, etc.). And other things — like skin color, facial features, or hair texture — are not only permanent, they’re important, because they are part of what makes that person unique.
Share age-appropriate examples of why physical appearances or cultural differences shouldn’t determine who they spend time with: You don’t choose friends based on hair color, height, or what they eat. Practice listing things about their friends that they enjoy that have nothing to do with how they look — one is funny, another is a great artist, a third loves baseball.
Then have your child make the same list about themselves — they bake great cupcakes, are a loyal friend, and they help their grandparent in the kitchen.
Make another list that celebrates everything that DOES have a cultural tie to their race and affirm those things just as much — their curly hair is like their dad’s, they love how brown their skin is, they feel tied to their family’s celebratory traditions.
Helping your child understand and affirm their own individuality along with their blended heritage can help them focus on what makes them uniquely wonderful. It may not change someone else’s mind about who they are, but it can separate how they feel from those external reactions (either positive or negative). It may take patience — both from you and from your child — but have faith that if they keep bringing their authentic self forward, they will find the people who are meant for them.
Q: What are microaggressions, microinsults, microinvalidation, and microassaults? How do I teach my kids to recognize them?
A: It’s important for you to know what these things are, and the differences between them, so you can explain them to your kids in an age-appropriate way. They can be obvious or subtle, used a lot or heard only once. Sometimes it might be hard to recognize, other times they are felt very deeply, either in the moment, or later as a post-realization. Encourage your child to talk to you about comments they hear in class or in activities and how they make them feel.
Microaggression is an umbrella term that can include microassault, microinsults, and microinvalidations. Microaggressions are when someone is verbally or physically hostile or has a negative viewpoint towards a marginalized group. They can come from a deep-seeded or learned belief system and because of that, they can feel “normal” for the person behaving that way. The microaggression can happen automatically and frequently. Another student saying to your child, “I didn’t know you liked mangos, I thought all of you people only liked fried chicken/watermelon/rice/noodles.” is an example.
Microassault is a more obvious form of racist behavior. It can be the deliberate use of racial slurs or derogatory names targeted at a racial group. Obvious use of language meant to separate one group from another can also be seen as microassault. Referring to a demographic group as “those people” is one example.
Microinsults are comments that disrespect a demographic group, even while “complimenting” a person who belongs to that group. It relies on negative stereotypes and uses them to make a comment or question disguised as a positive remark about someone from that group. It could be someone saying to a Black student that, “You’re so well-spoken for a Black girl” or “At least you didn’t get a Black nose.”
Microinvalidation is when one person ignores, lessens, or excludes another person’s thoughts, feelings, identity, or work. An example could be if a teacher consistently ignores your child’s raised hand in class, questions only their work, or denies that they contributed to the group project that received an A.
Q: My child is a target of racial bullying. How can I help them respond in healthy and safe ways when their experience triggers my own traumatic response?
A: First, recognize that if your child comes to you and shares that they’re a victim of racial bullying, self-awareness is key. When you feel an internal reaction, ask yourself if you’re responding because of what’s happening to them now, or if you are triggered because of what has happened to you in the past. Ask your child how they feel about their experience. If they are young, help them find the right words so they feel understood even if they don’t have the vocabulary yet to explain what might be a new emotion for them.
Then, talk through what they think a healthy and helpful response is. Talk about where they feel safe and how they can find those safe spaces at school or elsewhere. Understand that what feels healthy and safe to you isn’t necessarily what will work or what feels intuitive for your child.
Work together to make decisions about how they will respond and where or how you can step in to help. Try to keep the focus on their lived experience and what feels right for them vs. what you would do or have done differently.
Q: My child has been a victim of racism. I’m noticing complaints of stomach issues and have seen them withdrawn and angry. Is it their experience that is affecting them psychologically and physically or could it be something else?
A: It could be one or the other — or both. It’s very possible that the experience of being racially victimized is making them feel physically sick. Emotional upset and other external stressors often have very real physiological responses, especially in the gut. That said, while the stomach ache is real, it’s possible that there’s nothing else actually “wrong” with them (like a flu bug). It’s important to acknowledge and affirm how your child is feeling, rather than dismissing it as nothing.
A helpful step might be to tell your child’s pediatrician what they’re going through, then schedule a doctor’s appointment — the likelihood is that they’ll learn they’re healthy physically. This could give them a great opportunity to share what might be happening emotionally and get validation and understanding around how the experience is making them feel in their body.
Talk through a goal together to help them move forward. Maybe you discuss places where they feel healthy and protected, both physically and emotionally. If you discover that the cause of their physical discomfort is rooted in an emotional struggle, encourage them to talk about what’s happening, and ask how you can support them. When you do this, you’re making them feel understood, heard, and safe.
If you have a hard time getting to a place where your child feels good in their body, bring in the help of a pediatrician, coach, or therapist. Working with a professional who has experience and empathy for situations like these can help you find solutions as a family.
Q: How can individuals who do not identify as people of color become trusted and authentic allies to those who do, while recognizing they may not fully understand their lived experiences?
A: The best way to build trust is to walk your talk. Educate yourself on the struggles and challenges that BIPOC people continue to face, endure, and overcome. Learn from reputable authors, speakers, podcasts, and professionals who talk about allyship and advocacy. Seek out organizations in your community that support BIPOC people, causes, and communities and if you’re able to, volunteer time, donate, and engage. Use your inherent privilege to effect change. Dispel the myth that “safe is silent” — if you are in rooms where BIPOC people aren’t heard, raise your voice for them.
Q: I want to teach our kids how to respond for themselves or friends when they hear or see acts of racism happening around them and want to speak up. How do I teach them balance? And where do I turn to find the best resources for our family?
A: Speaking up for oneself or for a friend takes courage. You want your child to be an advocate and friend, but you also want to ensure they are staying safe and not putting themselves (or anyone else) in harm’s way. Kindness, empathy, and being there for a friend goes a long way. And surrounding themselves with loyal friends helps, too.
Sometimes, depending on your child’s age, the best way to help is to let trusted adults handle it. Create a safe space for your child to talk to you first about what they’re seeing or hearing. Affirm to them that you hear them and you’ll help.
Your best resource is often a responsible adult who is close to the situation (a counselor or coach, for example). Reach out about the issue and let your child know the outcome of the conversation so they know and can trust that you follow through on what you said you would do.
Every situation and child is different and it’s not always easy to know what to do or say when they see or are on the receiving end of behavior that is harmful or dangerous. Involve a coach or therapist at Brightline to talk through healthy and productive ways for your child to advocate for themselves and for others.
