Brightline
Feb 5, 2025
You probably think your kid is the coolest, best, most lovable kid on the planet. And you’re right! But when it comes time to make friends, they might not feel as confident in their charm as you do.
Sometimes parents have to nudge, teach, and encourage their kids into friendship. Maybe that was the case for you when you were younger, too. If so, we’ve got good news for you. The memories of sweaty palms and butterflies in your own belly build your empathy. Your experiences make you that much better at showing your kids ways to build lasting, healthy relationships.
Your child will find the people who will cherish them just as much as you do. And you can help, at every age and stage:
Ages 0-4
All those times you’ve played pretend with your kids are about to pay off. Modeling social skills at home is a simple way to teach young kids how to make friends. Next time your toddler hands you their plastic stethoscope, encourage them to invite you to play if they have the words (eg: “Can you ask me if I want to play with you?”). Then, of course, agree enthusiastically, because who doesn’t want to pretend to be a teddy bear doctor?
For very small kids, you can model social skills by offering compliments, asking about your partner’s day at work, or inviting older kids to play or do an activity together. The simple act of watching you can help them understand how to approach and engage other people (whether they realize it or not).
Your child can practice these skills when they play with others around their age. Preschool or kindergarten are great places for this kind of interaction. If that’s not an option right now, try enrolling your child in a weekly class like tumbling, gymnastics, art, or dance. You can also check your local library or community center for free activities with other kids their age like music hour or storytime.
Ages 5-8
Older kids will know a bit more about what to say to make friends or invite others to play, but that doesn’t mean they’ll have the courage to do it unprompted. Remember, for kids, this could be their first time making friends — and risking rejection.
It helps to plan activities or play dates where kids have a common activity to do together. Talk with other parents and find something your kids all enjoy like going to the park, museum, or a free community festival. Let the kids play together and enjoy their activities without too much intervention from the grownups.
You can also host playdates. Remind your child that their friend is coming to play and that means sharing. If your child isn’t quite ready to share their absolute favorite or most treasured toys, then let them put away what they don’t want to share before the playdate happens. Then, when the time comes, you can remind them which toys and games they picked out to share with their friends. Encourage them to choose toys that their friends also like, you can ask, “Does your friend like to play with cars? What if you share your trucks?” or “Does your friend also play Go Fish? Let’s leave the cards out.”
Sometimes the best intentions don’t prevent rejection — your child’s guest might not want to play the games or toys that are offered. They might be more shy than your child or just choose to play independently during the play date. All of this is okay, of course, but you might want to prepare your child for that potential scenario. Remind kids that rejection isn’t their fault, it just means that someone has different likes and dislikes from them. Encourage kids to suggest other toys or games if their friend wants to do something else. Or let each child play independently for a while if they’re happy doing that.
You can also offer specific praise during the playdate that will help your child feel more confident and excited about the next one. For example, “You and your friend are sharing toys so well!” or “You’re doing a really good job taking turns today.”
Ages 9-12
Being a preteen is hard. Fear of rejection tends to peak at this stage of development. For some kids, that fear can make trying to make friends feel almost impossible. You can help by returning to your roleplaying roots. Practice helping kids ask if they can sit with someone at lunch or invite them to be project partners in class.
Some kids might feel more confident with a “social script,” which is basically a short conversation starter like giving a compliment or asking about a favorite TV show. Having these go-to openers in their back pocket can help kids who feel especially nervous reduce their worry, which leaves more space to focus on enjoying their new friends once they get talking.
This age group can also benefit from you offering to host an afternoon hangout. Your child and a friend or two can get together for snacks and a movie or a craft session at your home. This will give kids something to do together and talk about later, smoothing the transition into friendship.
Remember, finding your people takes time. A swing and a miss during one effort to connect does not doom your child to a solitary life. Kids change constantly, evolving and shifting into their various forms over the years, and that means their friendships will, too. With a little luck, they’ll have friends that stand the test of time, as well as a few that fill them with joy even if it’s only for the soccer season.