Brightline team
Jul 30, 2024
Sometimes a child who is bullying other kids has been a victim of bullying themselves. But it’s not always learned behavior. One of the most important things to realize is that behavior is something a child does, not who they are. Behaviors can be changed! You might be surprised to learn some of the reasons why bullying behaviors can start, and the most powerful ways for you to help your child stop them.
In this article, we’ll discuss how to:
Recognize if your child is engaging in bullying
Understand why some kids behave this way
Discover why just punishing your child won’t help
Know when it’s time to get help from a Brightline coach or therapist
How to recognize if your child is engaging in bullying behavior
You won’t necessarily know just by looking at them whether your child is engaging in bullying behavior. But don’t wait for an email from school or another parent telling you it’s happening. It’s up to you as a caregiver to be curious — look for changes in what your child is saying and doing. If you see or hear something from your child that makes you wonder about how they’re treating other kids, ask for feedback from other adults in their life, like teachers or coaches.
Some of the warning signs below are pretty similar to ones you’ll find in kids who are victims of bullying. (Both the bullied child and the bully are hurting.) These aren’t always an indication that your child is bullying others. But if they’re sudden or new behaviors for your child, it’s worth talking about:
Down moods, increased irritability or anger/aggression, fighting, getting in trouble
Competitive and blaming others for losses or problems
Hard time concentrating during class, slipping grades
Frequent stomach issues or headaches
Lack of empathy, loss of friends or overly worried about popularity
Trouble sleeping or nightmares
Defensive responses to simple questions about school or friends
If you see some of the above behaviors, or you’ve actually been told they’ve been bullying another child, it’s easy to jump into a defensive stance and think “My child would never” or “Someone must have provoked them”. It’s also natural to think punishment is the answer. And all of those things might be true. But it’s time to find out.
Why do some kids engage in bullying behavior?
If a child is engaging in bullying behavior, there’s a reason for it. They might be:
Seeing the behavior modeled at home or school or on social media
Being bullied and are trying to gain control or express their anger
Looking for attention from teachers, parents, or peers
Naturally more assertive and are still learning boundaries and consequences
Beginning to understand the social ladder and don’t want to be at the bottom of it
Feeling pressure to do it in order to fit in with friend groups
Unable to regulate their impulses
Experiencing a lack of empathy
My child is engaging in bullying behavior — now what?
While your child needs your attention and redirection — and to potentially learn about consequences for their actions — they also need to be heard. Look deeper than the behavior for the potential reasons why it’s happening. And know that bullying doesn’t define your child. Again, it’s something they’re doing, not who they are. In fact, labeling them as a bully could actually make the behavior worse.
That said, your child needs your support — now. The conversations you have and the steps you take will depend on their age, stage of development, and the severity of their behavior.
Younger kids
Littler ones don’t yet have hindsight, insight, or foresight to help them plan their behaviors accordingly. Maybe they’re unable to regulate frustration, don’t understand that their actions are hurtful, or are just mimicking a behavior they’ve seen from other kids or siblings.
Address the bullying behaviors you see and make sure you’re modeling healthy language and behavior at home. You can help them make sense of how their actions make others feel by role playing using favorite stuffed animals or other toys.
Know that kids of all ages respond better when they’re given an idea of what they should do, versus what they shouldn’t do. (Just telling them not to do something doesn’t give them any other outlets or ideas.) So be specific about what you expect from them. You can say things like “I want to see you including other kids when you’re playing” or “If you’re mad or sad, I want you to talk about it instead of making someone else feel mad or sad, too.”
Set behavioral goals and positively reinforce reaching those goals with praise and rewards. A sticker or behavior chart can work well for younger kids at home and is an easy way to communicate and coordinate with others (like teachers at school if that’s where the behavior is happening).
A Brightline coach can also help teach your child an age-appropriate understanding of kindness, that frustration comes and goes like waves, and ways to express how they feel without hurting others.
Older kids
Kids who are older can benefit from some framework. Talk with them about what they’re experiencing so you can understand what might be triggering the behavior. You can say things like “I’m so surprised to hear about you bullying someone. This doesn’t sound like you. Tell me about what’s happening.”
It’s not about excusing what they’re doing, it’s about helping them learn that if they’re having a hard time, they have choices. It also gives them an opportunity to share what they might be struggling with. It could be that they feel badly about what they’ve done but are too embarrassed to say so, or that they’ve been hurt and don’t know where to put those feelings, so they’re lashing out.
Involving your older child in decisions and giving them some input into what happens next can help steady their emotions and empower them to change their behavior. Give them space to explain how they feel, and offer examples of what other people sometimes do when they feel that way. Then, ask if any of it sounds like what they might be going through.
Letting your child know that their feelings are common helps normalize and validate what they’re experiencing, and can help them open up to you.
Set behavioral goals and be clear with the expectations for their behaviors (i.e. use kind language, keep your hands to yourself, if an urge to lash out comes up try to take a deep breath and walk away).
Come up with positive ways to reinforce their behavior and reward them for meeting their behavior goals. Natural consequences often come in the form of their friends not inviting or including them, but occasionally — specifically if there are safety concerns — parents need to provide a negative consequence such as time away from technology, friends, or social time.
Explain that doing nothing to address the behavior isn’t one of the options, because you need your child (and others) to be safe. While consequences can be effective, the use of positive reinforcement (like praise, rewards, and positive attention) can have an even more powerful lesson: it teaches kids what to do instead of simply telling them to stop.
When to bring in Brightline
Whatever the core reason for your child’s bullying behavior — they’re being bullied themselves, they don’t understand the impact, or they aren’t able to regulate their feelings or behavior — getting help with the situation can be a vital step towards supporting them.
And make no mistake, kids who engage in bullying other kids need that support. Coaching or therapy can help your child (and you) understand why the behavior is happening so you can make decisions as a family that create positive change.
If you’re seeing severe bullying behaviors, or have tried to help but don’t see enough of a change, it could potentially indicate a clinical concern. A Brightline professional can also help assess and address these cases.
